


Self Care

by Kileykao



Category: Critical Role (Web Series) RPF
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22782070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kileykao/pseuds/Kileykao
Summary: Sam doesn't know how to fix this. He feels like he should have an answer to this.For as long as they've known each other, Sam's always been able to make Liam smile. Now it seems, no matter how hard he tries, Liam doesn't smile. Sure, he smiles, but it isn't a real Liam O'Brien smile. It's an echo of a smile from a man pretending that he's happy.
Relationships: Liam O'Brien/Sam Riegel
Comments: 5
Kudos: 48





	Self Care

**Author's Note:**

> For the Kink Meme Prompt: Liam/Sam, "It feels like you're not taking care of yourself"
> 
> And as always, Let's keep this on AO3 for the peeps who want to see it.

"I love you," Sam says, pulling Liam close one day, a big smile on his face and laughing as their dance around each other finally ends with them coming together. 

Liam frowns, shoving his hands into his pockets and looks down at the ground, "But why?" He asks just barely above a whisper.

"Because you're you, Liam O'Brien. The best man I know." He presses an over-exaggerated kiss to Liam's face as he does.

Liam's not sure that he believes that Sam Riegel would love him. Maybe it should be obvious, and maybe it's something that he already knows. But there is a part of his brain that whispers to him every time Sam smiles at him, proclaiming his love of Liam O'Brien that it's all one big joke. That Sam Riegel couldn't possibly care about him. 

He knows that Sam does, of course. But his brain fights him about every single time. 

"I love you, too," Liam says after a moment, waiting for Sam's laugh like their love is one big joke. (It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not.)

Sam presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth, smiling even brighter. 

*

"You need to take better care of yourself, Li," Sam says one day as he wraps his arms around Liam's waist and pressing a kiss to the back of his neck as the old man stands in front of the sink doing dishes. Liam's hair is longer than Sam's ever seen it, he's scruffy and, by the looks of it, he hasn't slept in at least a week. 

Liam hums, "I can take care of myself just fine, Sam," before pulling away and getting back to work, scrubbing the dirty plates. 

Sam isn't sure that he believes him.

*

One half of Liam's brain screams that he doesn't need Sam's pity, while the other half begs for Sam to never let go.

He doesn't ask for help. 

*

The next time Sam sees Liam the first thing out of his mouth is, "You look like shit,"

"I'm fine," he says back, and Sam doesn't believe him for a moment. 

*

Sam doesn't know how to fix this. He feels like he should have an answer to this. 

For as long as they've known each other, Sam's always been able to make Liam smile. Now it seems, no matter how hard he tries, Liam doesn't smile. Sure, he smiles, but it isn't a real Liam O'Brien smile. It's an echo of a smile from a man pretending that he's happy.

Everyone right now knows that Liam is struggling, but no one really knows what to do to make it better. He feels like he should have the answer. He feels like he should be able to help in some way -- anyway really, to make Liam feel even just a little better.

He wants to help. He wants to make sure his best friend is okay. 

He just wants to make Liam happy.

*

_ Amy? Is Liam okay? _

_ Okay is subjective, Sam.  _ He starts typing out a response when another message comes through, He'll _ get there _ .  _ Maybe just hug him next time you see him.  _

_ Okay _

*

Liam doesn't need help. He doesn't need help. Liam tells that to himself over and over again until he believes that it's true. He doesn't need help, and he certainly doesn't need both Amy and Sam hovering, always asking how he's doing. They don't need to worry about him.

*

"Are you okay, honey?" Amy whispers into his chest, pulling him into a tight hug, and Liam frowns. He's fine.

"Are you okay, Li?" Sam asks as he laces their fingers together across the table, and Liam frowns. He's fine.

*

"I love you," Amy says with a smile, pulling him down into a kiss, and the only thing Liam can think about is  _ why does this woman love me? _

"I love you," Sam says with his hands on either side of his face and a trademark Sam Riegel smile on his face. The only thing Liam can think of is  _ why does this man love me? _

*

Really, through all this time of them knowing that Liam isn't doing well and that he's struggling with life in general, it really feels like there isn't anything that Sam could do to help. He and Q have a two-year-old at home and another on the way. Both of them work full-time jobs, and he just doesn't have the time to really do anything for Liam. 

Which sucks. He wants to help Liam so badly. But it feels like there isn't anything. 

All of his feelings come to a head in a game studio that Sam, for the life of him, can't remember the name of in late 2014. They're working together on a video game, for the first time in a while. And seeing each other in person for the first time in a month. Sam is doing the voice directing, and Liam is recording the voice of one of the prominent side characters.

In fact, Sam didn't even know Liam was the actor he had coming in for the voice because of NDAs until that morning when one of the execs on the game asked him if he knew a voice actor named Liam O'Brien. 

When Liam came in five minutes late, Sam is pretty sure he's never seen Liam look worse in over a decade of knowing each other. He seems well enough, put together to someone who doesn't know the older man, but Sam looking at his best friend and sees just how bad he is doing. 

He reaches out and steadies Liam as he stumbles, swaying from side to side as he walks into the room. He has dark circles under his eyes, his hair long and uncombed, and he looks like he hasn't shaved in at least a week. His tie is crooked, and one of the top buttons of his dress shirt is unbuttoned. His shoulders are hunched with tension and stress, and Liam opens his mouth to talk, and instead of words, a yawn is the only thing that comes out. 

Sam feels his stomach drop looking at this Liam O'Brien. He knew Liam was doing so badly. He didn't realize Liam was doing  _ this  _ bad. 

"Are you okay, Li?" Sam asks, his left hand holding on to Liam's shoulder, holding him steady. At the same time, his other hand softly runs through Liam's hair, trying to soothe away the tension held in his shoulders. 

His eyes close for a second before taking a deep breath. When he does talk, his voice comes out stiff and cold, "I'm fine, Sam, don't worry." A beat, "Let's get started,"

Sam doesn't think Liam should be here at all, let alone screaming into a microphone. He doesn't believe that Liam would tolerate being told to go the fuck home very well. He hasn't tolerated any of Sam or Amy's attempts to get him to take a moment for himself very well at all. 

They're scheduled for ninety minutes, and as soon as he sits down to direct, he messages both Q and Amy that he's going home with Liam tonight. Q's response is near-instant, a simple ' _ okay.'  _

Amy's responses came fifteen minutes later, ' _ see if you can get him to sleep. im starting to worry that hes not.' _

Despite his general, not okay appearance, Liam doesn't do a terrible job recording for the game. Sam would even go to say that he can't tell that anything is wrong with him working like this. 

That is until about an hour later when the strain of screaming into a mic starts to wear on him. Sam is beginning to hear the tiredness sneak into his voice, and more yawns to slip out in between takes. It begins with him swaying back and forth, then him rubbing his ear in a way that screams  _ this hurts,  _ and his whole face has gone from  _ tired, but still standing  _ to looking like he's about to pass out any moment. Another ten minutes pass and Sam calls out to Liam, "I think we're good for today, Li,"

Liam frowns, looking down at his watch, "We still have another half hour to go,"

"Liam," he hears himself put on his dad voice without even realizing it, "You look you're about to pass out." The older man frowns and opens his mouth, most likely to say I'm _ okay _ again, but he cuts himself off with another yawn. 

Sam pushes himself out of his seat and heads into the room with Liam. And he stops when he's standing in front of him. "Liam, you're working yourself into the ground,"

Liam shakes his head, and "I'm fine," comes out of his mouth again. 

"Come on." He places his hand on either side of Liam's face, his beard scratching his palms. "I'm going to drive you home,"

Liam frowns, pulling away from Sam, stumbling before the younger man catches him with a hand on his elbow, "I'm not a child, Samuel. I don't need you to drive me home."

"Liam, please," Sam doesn't say anything else. He doubts telling Liam that he looks like shit will help this situation. He doubts telling him that he already told Amy and Quyen that he's driving Liam home will help. 

He doubts that telling him everything that's currently racing threw his head will help at all.

"Let me do this for you, at least." 

Liam softens and shakes his head, then hesitates, "I took a taxi here anyway,"

Sam doesn't say anything else. He just collects his things and helps Liam manage his before ushering him out of the building towards the passenger seat of his car. 

*

Liam doesn't sleep. He can't even persuade Liam to go and lie down. Instead, he sits at the kitchen counter loudly complaining that he doesn't need Sam to cook him lunch and that he has other work around the house to do that Sam is keeping him from doing. 

(Liam still isn't asleep by the time Amy and the kids get home. And on some weird level, he feels like he's doing a terrible job of being his best friend. He tells Amy as much as she walks him to his car, the two of them chatting about Liam as they do. She sadly smiles at him, telling him, "How do you think I feel?")

*

Liam O'Brien knows that he's depressed. He knows that every time his brain tells him that he's not good enough, it's his mind fucking him half to death. 

Logically, Liam knows this. But still, every time he gets a job, there is a whisper in the back of his head that tells him he's not good enough. Every time he doesn't get a job, the whisper in the back of his mind gets louder, mocking him with loud  _ I told you so's. _

*

Amy kisses him, and the voice in the back of his head whispers  _ why? _

Sam kisses him, and the voice in the back of his head whispers  _ you don't deserve him. _

*

_ You don't deserve either of them _ , the voice whispers in the back of his head as he watches Sam and Amy have a hushed conversation as they sway together to the just on the wrong side of loud music playing at the reception. 

He tries not to believe it. 

*

Amy runs her fingers through his hair in the darkness of their bedroom, the two of them tangled together in the sheets and tells him that it's going to be okay. 

He shutters out a breath and tries to believe her words

*

Sam shows up to Liam's house early the next Saturday morning, and Amy opens the door, and the first words out of his mouth are, "Is Liam still asleep?"

Amy shakes her head, opening the door fully to let Sam into the house, "He doesn't sleep anymore." 

She looks stressed and tired, but still smiles as he steps into the door, closing it behind him gently. Sam smiles back at her, then gently pulls her into a hug, pressing a soft kiss to her temple.

"It's gonna be fine, Amy," 

She makes a vague noise of disagreeance, then she nods her head in the direction of the stairs, "He's fucking around with something in his office instead of sleeping this week."

Sam nods and slowly heads towards where Liam's office is. The door is shut, so Sam knocks. Liam opens the door with his wife's name on his lips, which dies as soon as he sees Sam. Liam looks exhausted. He is still in his pajamas, with his overlong hair disheveled. And the dark circles under his eyes seem to be even more pronounced than they usually are. Behind him, he can see that almost all of the stuff on the shelves have been moved on the floor. He seems to have decided that 5 o'clock in the morning is the best time for reorganization. 

"You need to sleep, Liam," he blurts out before he can stop himself. 

"I'm not tired." 

Sam raises an eyebrow at that, pulling Liam into a hug and pressing a kiss into his hair, "Will you at least lie down for a little while? With me?"

Sam really doesn't know what he was expecting from this early morning visit. However, Q and their son have a mommy-son adventure planned for today, and the back of his mind is still yelling with worry for Liam. 

Liam shakes his head, turning back to his collection of knick-knacks on the floor, "I'm fine, Sam."

"Then lay in bed with me! For an hour! Then I'll help you put everything away." 

Liam frowns, turning his back to Sam picking up one of the figures and putting it back on the shelf, "I said, I'm fine,"

"Please, Li," Sam moves forward and grabs his hand, pulling him back close, "Just a half-hour?"

Liam sighs but lets Sam drag him to the master bedroom. 

(An hour later, Liam is fast asleep as Sam rubs small circles along his back and humming a lullaby under his breath. He doesn't sleep for long, but it's long enough that Sam feels like he helped.)

*

It starts with him dragging Liam to bed to get a few hours of sleep on weekends when Sam knows both of them can spare the time. Then at some point, it becomes part of his day. 

Wake up. Get ready for the day. Get his son ready for his day. Text Liam'  _ How did you sleep last night?' _ . Go on with the rest of the day. 

At first, Liam protested. First, by ignoring the question and the texts altogether, then by sending snarky messages back. And after a while, he starts answering properly. 

_ Not terribly,  _ he sends one day. 

_ I'm pretty sure I got my eight hours?  _ He sends another.

_ I think I slept?  _ He sends another day.

At least Liam is talking about it now.

*

A couple of weekends later, with Liam half-asleep on top of Sam to the sound of his two kids fucking around two rooms down when Sam off handly says, "You need to shave."

Liam's hand immediately goes to his face, rubbing along the coarseness of his facial hair, it's getting pretty scruffy again. Still, Liam hasn't had the mental energy to shave in a couple of days. 

"I'm getting a little scruffy, aren't I?" Sam nods, and Liam hesitates for a second before saying, "I haven't felt like shaving in a couple of days."

"That's okay. You don't have to," Liam hums, turning his face into Sam's chest, when Sam asks, "Do you want me to shave for you?"

Liam blinks a couple of times into the soft fabric of Sam's shirt, then sits up, "I'm capable of shaving my face, Sam."

It might come out a little harsher than Liam intended, but still, the point stands. He's a grown man. He doesn't need his best friend to shave his face for him. Before Sam can protest, there is a loud crash followed by both of his kids calling out 'dad.'

He pushes himself off of Sam without thinking twice.

*

Sam asks him again if he wants him to shave his beard for him a couple more times. He says no every time. After the second time, Liam shaves his beard for himself just to show Sam he can. 

(He very much does not mention to Sam that it felt like shaving his face took up most of his spoons for the day just to prove his point of he's capable of doing it himself.)

*

In the end, Liam thinks using up all those spoons is worth it when Amy smiles at him big and bright, running her thumb along his jawline, telling him just how good he looks. 

*

Sam asks again a few weeks later, and this time, Liam nods okay. Sam pulls him to his feet, pressing a kiss to his cheek and guiding him towards the bathroom. Sam motions for him to sit on the counter, he hops up, so he's sitting next to the sink, his legs dangling and idly kicking the cabinets with a faint thud every few seconds. Sam grabs the supplies that he's going to need to shave him before moving in between his legs and reaches over him, turning the faucet to turn on the sink. 

Sam softly smiles at him before picking up the can of shaving cream. He squirts some shaving cream out of the can on to his palm, before rubbing his palms together, then onto his beard. Sam coats his face slowly, rubbing the white cream across the coarse hair of his beard. He closes his eyes, letting the movement of Sam's palms across his cheeks washover. 

He doesn't know what he was expecting from this moment. Maybe, Liam was expecting some of Sam's nonsense babbling to fill the quiet air between them, or him to goof about it.

He doesn't know why he didn't expect Sam to be so tender. Sam can be incredibly tender when he tries to be, but also, there is a lot of trust that needs to go into this.

Liam didn't really think about  _ that _ until Sam picked up a razer wetting it under the stream of water. He doesn't know why, out of everything that crossed his mind about doing this, why  _ the fact that Sam is putting a knife to his face wasn't _ one of them. 

He closes his eyes as Sam drags the razor against his face, tilting his head back with one hand lightly holding his jaw. Liam's eyes flutter closed as Sam drags the razer softly along his face, then under the running water, then repeating until he's once again clean-shaven. 

Liam doesn't open his eyes again until he hears Sam shut the water off, pressing a soft kiss to his jaw. Liam leans forward, pressing his face into Sam's neck. 

"Thank you, Sammy," he whispers. Sam's fingers find his hair, and the younger man lets out a breath that he didn't realize he was holding. 

"Anytime, Liam,"

*

He doesn't ask Sam to shave him again. But he doesn't say no when Sam offers again either. 

*

They start streaming their DnD game on Twitch. It's probably the dumbest thing they've ever done (the little voice in the back of Liam's brain tells him that it's going to fail. It's going to ruin their game, and Liam tries his damnest not to listen). But at least, until it does fail, they now get to see each other -- and the rest of their little DnD family -- once a week now. The third week that they do an episode, that at their break, Liam makes a comment about how he hasn't eaten yet. 

They're in the kitchen filling their glasses for the second half, and Liam is futzing around the refrigerator looking for something to eat, "You didn't have time to eat before the show?"

Liam shakes his head and frowns into the refrigerator because there isn't anything to eat, "I haven't had time to grab food before the show ever. I was planning on stopping today, but the session I was running this afternoon ran late, and there ended up being traffic."

Sam hums in agreeance. He was barely made it tonight too between his own job running late and traffic, "Not enough hours in the day," he says, grabbing a bag of chips from the counter and handing them to Liam. 

Liam smiles at Sam and whispers a soft thank you.

*

The next week, Sam stops on his way to the studio at a fast-food restaurant, he doesn't ask Liam if he wants him to get him food, or if Liam already ate. But he buys Liam a hamburger and french fries and doesn't think too hard about it. 

As soon as Sam walks into the Geek and Sundry offices, Liam groans and says, "Can I have some of your fries? I'm starving and didn't have time for food."

Sam laughs, "Well, lucky for you I got this for you," 

Liam takes the bag from him, reaching his hand in and taking some french fries and shoving them into this mouth before saying, "Why did you get me dinner?"

"I figured that you wouldn't have time and it was on the way," Sam pulls Liam into a quick hug before saying, "Besides, you need food, you're a growing boy, Liam."

Liam laughs taking out the hamburger and unwrapping it from the crinkly silver wrapper and smiling when he sees that Sam ordered his favorite and says back with sarcasm dripping from his voice, "Of course, I'm going to grow up big and strong for you,"

Liam takes a bite of the hamburger, and Sam pats him on the shoulder. Sam smiles, "Food is important." 

Liam nods as he takes another bite and around a mouth full of food says, "Thank you, Sam,"

"Anytime, dear."

*

Sam doesn't know how, but it becomes somewhat of a weekly thing. At first, it's fast food that's on the way from whatever studio in Los Angeles he was at today and the Geek and Sundry Studio. To takeout from decent restaurants in white styrofoam containers. 

Every week, Sam plays it off as it being no big deal and that he was going to be stopping anyway. He's not. Most of the time, he has to go a bit out of the way to get the food. But there is something about knowing that Liam isn't going to eat before their show and watching Liam smile at him when Sam hands him the food that makes it worth it every single time. 

*

Time passes, and Liam gets -- well, better might not be entirely the word, but he gets more okay. He cuts his hair back to being short again, and every morning his text message to Sam gets better and better. 

_ 'I fell asleep early last night.' _

_ 'I had a really good night last night.' _

*

That's how their lives pass for a while. Daily texts about how last night was and Sam buying dinner for him on Thursday nights. Sam would argue that things are going fantastic for a while there.

Then Liam O'Brien has a week. It's probably the worst week he's ever had, and he doesn't know what he wants to do. It starts with a fictional death and ends with a very real one. 

*

His second day back from New Jersey after his mom's funeral, there is a knock at his door. He's still wearing sweatpants and a baggy long sleeve shirt that he swears up and down use to fit him much better when he opens the door. Sam is standing there with a canvas bag that smells like cooking, and a small box wrapped in silver paper. 

"I'm not in the mood, Sam," He says, but still opens the door to let Sam in. 

"I can leave in a minute, in and out real quick if that's what you want," He pressed a kiss to Liam's face, smushing Liam's glasses into his face, "I just wanted to drop this off for you,"

And Sam's heads toward the kitchen without any other further prompting. Liam sighs and closes the door following behind Sam, suddenly very glad that there isn't anyone else home.

Liam pads into the kitchen, and Sam is pulling Tupperware out of the bag. He nods in the direction of the box and says, "Open that while I get the rest ready,"

Liam takes a step to the island, and Sam slides the box in front of him. There is a card on top, and he picks that up first. He opens the envelope, and inside is a piece of computer paper folded in two half with a child's drawing on the front. There are two stick figures, one with wings and a yellow circle around her head that he supposes is meant to be him, and his mom and Liam feels himself start to tear up.

"Did your son make this?"

Sam is taking plates out of the cabinet, and he hums, "Yeah, he wanted to make you something. Do you like it?"

Liam nods, and he feels the tears fall from his eyes. He presses his eyes closed, then a second later, he feels Sam's arms wrap around his shoulder. Liam doesn't hesitate, and he just folds himself into Sam's arms. 

"Will you tell him thank you for me?"

Sam nods into Liam's hair, "Of course," Sam presses a kiss into Liam's hair before continuing, "Go on then, open your gift,"

Liam hesitates, before turning to pull at the paper of the box. 

The paper falls away, and for the first time in a long time, Liam O'Brien smiles a real proper Liam O'Brien smile at the little stuffed cat with a purple bow wrapped around his neck. 

*

"I love you," Sam says one day, and Liam is quiet for a moment before asking him why. 

Sam frowns, and it's a weird sight on a man who's allergic to any emotion but smiling, "Because you are you, because you're my best friend, because you make me happy. I can go forever with reasons why,"

For the first time in a long time, he ignores the little voice in the back of his mind.

*

"I love you," Amy says to between kisses one day.

And for the first time in a long time, Liam doesn't hesitate before whispering, "I love you," right back.

*

It might not be one hundred percent okay today. He might not be one hundred percent okay tomorrow or the next day. Hell, he might not ever really be one hundred percent again. 

But still, Liam O'Brien softy smiles when Sam presents him with food or a silly gift just to see his smile. He smiles every morning when Sam sends him a text asking how he slept. 

But still, he softly smiles when Amy runs his fingers through his hair and whispers to him her love. He smiles when she kisses him and laughs when she does. 

He feels lucky to have a best friend like Sam and a wife like Amy. 

He might not be okay, but the two of them make every day just a little bit better. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments are cool


End file.
